Guardians of the Galaxy: Fifty Shades of Sheena
by boingboingbambam
Summary: Could the seeker find it's goal? Could hatred ever be completely wiped away? It wasn't until a Raccoon with homosexual tendencies, a lord of stars, a green beauty, a talking stick, and a shirtless man had taken me from my home and showed me what my heart truly was. Along the way, they too find out about eachother's sexuality and what guarding the galaxy really means.


Act

One

It was just five hours ago that I was sitting in my apartment on my iphone checking out the hottest status updates from all my facebook friends so I can judge them. It was just five hours ago that I accidentally forgot to put my pizza in the oven and now I don't want it anymore but I have to make it cause I opened the box. It was just five hours ago I was debating whether or not I should go to McDonalds' and get dinner there. It was just five hours ago that I did go to McDonalds' to get food and that's what made me forget about the pizza. It was just five hours ago that I was sitting on my couch judging my facebook friends debating whether or not to eat my McDonalds' or put that pizza in the oven. The Pizza was Digiorno and that shit is good but on the other hand I have perfectly good happy meal foodage waiting for me to wrap my lips around. I did open the box though; just think of how much money that is wasting. What I should do is I should eat the McDonalds' first and then…wow, nice status update bitch. All of this was five hours ago until I got abducted by aliens and was brought into the spacey regions of….space.

My name is Sheena Sheena and I am a late twenty something year old woman who lived in the town of Marquette, Michigan. I lived in an apartment on my own in the ghetto and worked at a fudge packing facility. It was a meager way of life but I have always been one to be happy with the small things.

When I was thirteen playing with my furbies, two gunmen who looked like what your head is picturing with guns knocked on the door of my then parent's house with their guns. My father, Nathaniel Sheena, went to answer the door. Knowing something was wrong I attempted to stop my father from answering the door by slow motion jumping at him. I thought doing so would push him out of the way. Unfortunately, unlike the movies, when you slow motion jump everything but you still kind of goes at a normal speed, so I just ended up looking retarded. When my father opened the door he may as well have opened Pandora's Box because the two gunmen dropped their guns and reached into their pockets. Pulling out the same guns they dropped, they began to open fire.

My father was trained in the martial arts and kicked one of the bullets. Sadly, much like rock beats scissors, bullet beat leg and father fell to the ground like an 8" x 11" sheet of paper. The gunmen than took their guns and silenced my father.

Running to the kitchen I pulled out one of my favorite knives and threw it at the gunmen. It was all human folly though because I mistook one of the gunmen for a lamp post. The knife bounced off the post in my direction and stabbed me in the leg. The blood loss was so great that in wake of that entire situation, i had lost conciousness.

When I woke up in a hospital, Dr. Ohmy informed me that my family had been demolished by two gunmen. When I asked him why all he could tell me was "because". Ever since then, I have learned to love the small things in my life, like fudge packing.

I digress though. Maybe I am just so lost in thought because I am in a tiny space room, in a mysterious space ship, hands chained together through spacecuffs sitting on a space bed looking out the space window wearing nothing but a space carpet over my sleek and smooth body. That's all I have been doing for 4 hours, 58 minutes, and 22 seconds. Immediately after I got abducted that 17 year old stab wound reopened and I fell unconscious. My leg is all bandaged up now so whoever abducted me…at least they gave a shit.

Instead of panicking and freaking out like a little bitch though, I instead tried to reminisce about my life and look out at the stars through my space window. It was the only way I could keep myself calm given the circumstance. Although, I must admit that these spacecuffs are pretty…tantalizing. I have never really explored my sexuality or "kinks", If you will, but if my reaction to these spacecuffs are any indication, I would say that I am one kinky woman….maybe that's just the space air getting to me. (Space air is like real air except it is in space. It has no mental or psychological effects)

I heard a slight jingle from outside my space room and then suddenly my space door flung open. The sound of it made me jump back a few space centimeters. After my eyes adjusted to the typical light you see when someone flings open a space door I saw what was behind it. What looked like a shallow attempt on saving money for a movie with high ambitions and not quite the budget it needed turned out to be an alien. It looked like any brutish mean man but his skin was um….Red! It was red and ugly. He had what looked like an H4 P91x23 blaster plasma gun shooter in his hands and his face bore the look of evil intent.

"Who are you?" I obviously asked.

"Blargle flargle hargen thatun" He replied.

That stupid fucking gibberish left me with naught but the silence under my breath. The ugly red plasma blaster alien must have seen the confusion on my face because he reached into his pocket and tossed something to me. Catching it with my right hand I then look at the package. "Translation Twinkie: Just one bite and you'll be able to understand anything!"

Getting the memo, I open the Twinkie and use my fingers to pull of the tips as I find phallic shaped foods disconcerting. I took a bite and the package certainly didn't lie. It was a Twinkie. Before I could take another bite, Mean red alien shot the rest out of my hand. My face was covered in white cream.

"Listen human", I could understand the alien now, "You have been space-arrested under the orders of someone above me for attempting to murder some of the Kree despite the peace treaty?"

Angrily I shouted, "Do you have proof?!"

"….no"

"Then I see no reason why I should be space-arrested!"

"Welcome to the justice system human, now shut up before I put a plasma hole in your vagina!"

"Fuck you, firecrotch! I refuse to be arrested!" I gallanty protested despite the fact that i already was.

The guard took his blaster and smacked the shit out of my face knocking me to the ground. The pain was painful.

"Listen," Said the ugly Red Guard, "orders are orders, space wench. I have been ordered to take you to the highly secured prison of 'Space Prison #13' and whether you committed these crimes or not, you are going, you arrogant space-whore."

Not wanting to be defeated by a red person, I retorted, "Why don't you suck my space-balls you fucking….space….jew." Good one.

"They are going to looove you in Space Prison" Said the alien, "it's rare that space prison ever sees a woman. All the inmates are going to slam that tight space puss."

"At least it's not you, fugly." My insults were getting more and more juvenile. Almost on par with this story.

"Who said I never liked to break em in?" Said the alien, "There is a reason you have space cuffs on you."

My eyes widened at the sudden realization of what this guard intended to do to me before I was dropped off at space prison. The guard must have noticed because he started make a weird rapey kind of smile. The kind of smile you make before you intend to rape someone. The sensous smolder of rape coming to mind. Rape.

Before I even had the chance to react, the guard viciously threw his blaster to the ground before quickly pulling down his pants to reveal the _other _blaster. The kind of blaster that gets people space pregnant or gives them space-aids, whatever, pick your poison. Unable to break free because of my space cuffs the guard pinned me on the ground slutty anime style. I tried screaming but to no avail.

"No point in screaming, space wench." Said the Guard as he rubbed his massive furry tongue dripping with drool across my face, "We all do this to our inmates so they know what to expect, heh heh."

That's when I knew I couldn't do anything. To struggle anymore would bring more pain to me than what I already have coming, pun intended. Inch by inch the alien was pulling off my space carpet. I could feel his cold fingers graze across my silky smooth and hot skin as more and more of my sleek and sensuous body was revealed. It wasn't long till I was lying naked on the ground bound by my space cuffs. Despite all of this happening, It would be a lie to say I didn't find some of this…..tantalizing. Maybe it was just the space air but this whole situation seemed kind of hot despite the fact that _IT'S NOT_. BONDAGE IS SICK AND PERVERSE, AS IS RAPE, MALE PREGNANCY, BEASTIALITY. NONE OF THAT IS HOT. IT IS ALL MESSED UP! Far be it for me to judge anyone though.

Keeping my womanhood tightly hidden away from this fool I wait and see what he does next.

"What do you prefer?" Asked the alien as he was undressing, "Mouth or space vagina."

Unable to fight back and hold my tears in anymore, I wept, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because everyone knows that in erotic novels or any form of erotic anything, the guard always tries to rape the helpless girl. This is nothing more than a formality."

Hard to argue with that.

The guard then put both of his red hands on my kneecaps and started to forcefully push them apart revealing my…Venus. It looked like a lot of vaginas that humans have. What with their odd grand canyon like look, ranch dressing-esque smell, and if you put your ear up to one, you can sometimes hear the ocean or tiny squeaks like bats in a cave. Mine is super hot though cause I am the main character.

"It's been four Galgizars since I've had the chance to pound some earth muff." Said the alien.

I could feel the warm musk of the alien's space-shaft dangling over my sex. The grin on his face growing ever more sinister and red proved this was happening and I was powerless to stop it. With every second the alien's rock hard hard rock came closer and closer to me when it finally entered my-

"Stop right there!" Yelled some tool.

Everything was silent. The alien, now fully on top of me, turns his head behind him. I heard a sound that sounded like 'bshkasha'. The alien then turns his head back to me. A hole in his head spurting out purple blood which then trickled down his face and onto the ground. Still in shock I sat there looking into the alien's eyes before they rolled back and he fell to the ground, dick first.

Behind the alien was a man, who, much like the description I used earlier, had the aesthetics and appearance of a fully fledged tool. He was quite tall and was wearing a red coat with a tooly shirt under it. In his hand was one of his many space guns still steaming from the shot it fired. The tool was wearing a mask he must have gotten from the tool shed because it only served his image as a tool.

He fingered his ear and his mask space-disappeared revealing his face. It was tool like, no doubt but something about it really was…..tantalizing. The man looked like Andy Dwyer from one of my favorite sitcoms, "Parks & Recreation".

He removed my space cuffs and started to put my space carpet back on me. There was a difference between this tool's hands and the dead red man ugly alien next to me. They were warm like sitting next to a campfire or lying on the floor while the sun shines through the window. Skillfully dressing me, he then reaches out his hand and offers to pull me up. Seeing as this was my only way out, I accepted it.

His grip was firm, yet gentle. Gentle enough, it feels like a blanket is wrapping itself around my hand. Firm enough, that it also felt like he was splitting my hand in half. Suffice to say, he's really making me want to have him split something else in half but not with his hand, no. Instead he should use something a little more…..tantalizing.

We were quickly down the space-hall and I haven't a clue why. Asking him various questions like "who are you?", "what is this?", and "oh my too good?" only were answered by not an answer. He just kept a firm grip on my hand and kept escorting me down the space hall. Several red guardsmen came and tried to put up a fight but it was a fruitless as the tool kept gunning em down one by one. Becoming frustrated I pulled my hand from his grip, stopped running, and stood angrily.

Filled with frustration, I Screamed, "I am not going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is going on, you _space-faggot_!" I'm from Michigan.

That must have been the dead battery in his vibrator because he stopped running, swiftly turned around took a step towards me. Anger seething from his face as if what i had just said truly offended him. "Don't you ever call me 'space faggot'! That word is disrespectful, rude, and..And…just plain shitty!"

I couldn't believe this man was yelling at me about such a trivial thing. I must admit though. The furrowed brow and the sweat drops mixed with his chisled face were quite….tantalizing.

"Well, sorry!" I replied sarcastically, "…maybe if I knew your name, I would be able to address you as something other than 'space faggot'.

Seeing his face go back to its normal color was a visual indicator for me that the anger has subsided. Though I wonder why 'space faggot' was such a big deal. Obviously this tool has been called worse. I mean look at him. He's a tool!

"The names Peter Jason Quill. Some people call me 'star-lord'". He said reaching his hand to mine.

Star lord? My suspicions are correct. Despite his baby face, chiseled bod, and rather attractive cologne he is wearing, not even all of that could disguise the fact that this man is, for all intents and purposes, a tool. I suppose I should be nice though considering he did just rescue me from getting rap- er…..sorry, Space Raped. I grabbed his gentle firm tantalizing hand and shook it as well.

"My name is Sheena Sheena. Some people call me…..Sheena."

Peter pressed my hand up to his lips as he gently kisses them, "It's nice to meet you…Sheena. May I say how remarkably attractive you are?"

Tool.

"Actually…..don't." I replied.

"Already did. I'll say it to you again in the morning when you make me breakfast." All said with a wink.

Although what he did say to me was piggish, I refrained from slapping his tool face because I detected a lie within his voice. I have always had a heightened sense of hearing. To the point where I can hear what is in people's hearts. Instead of slapping the tool out of him I just space sighed and continued to follow.

A lot of things happened and before you know it I was on this tool's ship, the Milano. After 2378 special effects shots, 347 lines of witty dialogue, and at least 30 explosions all accompanied by a full orchestra providing backing music, we had escaped the space ship taking me to space-prison in space using the tool's spaceship to space-drive out of that space shithole and despite all the good things that happened I am still utterly and completely spaced out. So many questions I have yet to answer. I must admit though, all of this space jargon is quite….tantalizing.

It wasn't until I escaped with Star-Tool that I realized just what kind of situation I am in. I am some twenty something woman with a ridiculously sexy body. All I can remember is being abducted and sent off to space-prison and now I am on some tool's spaceship.

The first signs of other life i see is some green african-american, a man boob king, a stick with eyes, and a raccoon from New York. I can tell Greeny has something to hide, man boobs is holding a grudge, the stick must have missed the incinerator, there is fur all over Star-Tool and the raccoon seemed to have an extremely hard time walking.

My name is Sheena Sheena, five hours ago, i was watching tv. Now, i am in the middle of space with the galaxy's version of 'The Breakfast Club'. What is going on and what will i do?

To be continued.


End file.
